Dear 27 Year Old Me

Can you believe it’s been another trip around the sun? Except, the beauty is not in the fact that you made it another year but that it’s only been a year and yet, so much has happened for you. Only one more year in this expansive life of yours, and you’ve grown significantly. Just imagine how much more we can get done in another year for ourselves.

Any birthday before this year’s, you would’ve agonized over planning the most perfect, elaborate party that was equal parts friends, vibes, and quintessential summer scenes that visually displayed the romantic cinema of your heated daydreams. The agony would be mixed with this deep motivation to make up for all the past years’ birthdays that never felt quite enough nor quite right. But mostly to make up for feeling like you never deserved one—measuring your worth by the number of people who showed up or reached out. But this year, it feels different. This year feels like you made up for all that lost time throughout the year without waiting for your birthday to be a checkbox of finally doing something right for yourself. No, because this year, all year round, you allowed yourself to have something right without waiting for a sign from the universe. You weren’t going to let it all amount to just one day because you deserve more than one day, and this year you can see it for yourself. It was never about the birthdays. It was always about feeling enough, and you finally feel more than enough.  

You’ve spent a lot of time this year thinking about how far you’ve come while still worrying about how much you still have to go. But every time you simmer on what you’re doing with your life and where to go next, you are reminded of how beautiful your present world is. You think about where you are right now in all aspects of your life; you think about the people in your life and how much you love and care for each and every one of them, you think about how each one of your relationships have evolved and transformed deeply and naturally, you think about how much you’ve given yourself space and room to heal without apology. And all of this, you would not have thought about a year ago, but this year, you’ve found balance with your place in this world—it’s not perfect but it’s all yours in its perfectly ordinary state. This year, you let yourself become part of this world, not just belong in it. 

You stopped shoving down the moments when you’d just let your emotions pour out and you’ve cried deeply, like the heavy-bellied, hunched over into a ball kind of cry when you shake with your entire body for a good 20 minutes. You leaned into it and understood it as signals of what your body is trying to tell you. Then you fell back into your regular self, texting your people that you just had a full on meltdown and that it was great and much needed, and now you’re better. All of it was okay because you know you are a very emotional person, and this year you owned the term “I’m a sensitive person” like a proud name tag you carry around your neck. You feel so many emotions and you feel all of them, sometimes, too many of them at once. But you’ve learned that being sensitive isn’t a bad thing nor is it a weak trait. It is exactly what makes you so empathetic and compassionate, and it comes from pain that makes you feel so much more connected to the world. 

Pain. This is what you’ve learned is the source of your strength, not the root of it that needs to be pulled out. In fact, some roots are actually future sources of growth—what may seem like it’s rotting is actually a seedling waiting to bloom. This year, you let pain be your catalyst for change. And most importantly, you did not blame yourself for the pain—you did not internalize pain like it was a branded red letter against your chest and had to pity yourself for the misfortune but rather, it was an introduction to new opportunities to learn yourself better. You’ve seen how every painful event in your life was actually strength leaving your body to make room for new strengths. New learnings. New emotions to feel and take up space with. And healing was never meant to be pretty because it was always ugly before it got better but that was the natural beauty of it all. And isn’t dirt just soil for potential blossoming? You are ever-blossoming.

You let yourself have fun. You didn’t measure your actions by the rewards you deserved. You let yourself exist in the world without explanation. All those late nights out, the far distances of new places filled with new faces to meet and get to know and for them to get to know you, those little explorations you took on your own because solo venturing has become your favorite hobby. Of course, you’d yearn for the comfort of your bed no matter how late it was at night and how far you were from home, especially all the times you were drunk out of your mind on the Path train and other passengers offered you their seats because it was that ridiculously obvious. But you still made it to your bed and thanked yourself the morning after for both the familiar bed and the once-in-a-lifetime joys you let yourself experience. 

You danced with every bone in your body and music was your savior. You let it carry you through the motions and let go of your fear of judgments like how worried you were about how “well” you danced in front of others. None of it mattered anyways, your energy was lively enough. You were alive enough, so much so that you threw yourself into the Sofar Sounds community and MC’ed your way throughout New York—meeting other music enthusiasts, connecting with local artists and their arts, providing this emblem of a community in the grind and grits of city life. It felt good to let yourself go into the music like that but it felt even better to conquer the used-to-be fear of stage fright and public speaking. You understood how powerful it is to speak to the world about the things you loved. You learned how to speak from the heart of the things you were so passionate about. 

You did things by yourself and loved it. Like really loved it. You made worlds out of it and built homes in them. It made you feel safe and un-judged and you met people who will soon become friends meant to enter your life at that exact moment for the exact person you are. Like the friend who introduced the opportunity to read your writing out loud for the first time. Or the friend who came to you to help host a panel discussion on mental health. Or the friend who turned out to be a therapist himself just as you were becoming vocal about therapy. Or the friend who taught you how to be confident in yourself and normalized stating your opinions out loud while also changing your mind when you needed to. Or the friend you reconnected with and taught you how to be a better friend while also recognizing who the real friends are in your life. All this taught you that the universe is working in your favor and is presenting the right people in your life because you knew what kind of energy you wanted to be surrounded with, and the universe answered. 

You met boys. You slept with some of them. Most of the time it was awkward but you never let yourself catch feelings because you knew you deserved better. You knew what you wanted in a partner and you went after it, like when you asked that really cute guy you met in Brooklyn out via email days later because you guys were vibing so well only to find out he had a girlfriend. But you’re not even mad because that was incredibly brave and new for yourself. Plus, you have a great story out of it and have asked other guys out after that. You also recognized the toxic patterns that weaved their way through your past relationships and how they were projections of insidious childhood trauma. Now you know it was never your fault, your heartbreaks were hard lessons, and you have some unlearning to do so that you can be in healthier relationships. And you know what kind of relationship you want. You know what kind of person you want to be in a relationship. But you know what is even more beautiful? You’re not afraid to have your heart broken anymore. The past couple of years have been one tremendous journey towards becoming who you are now. This is your best you, yet. You’ve deepened your relationships with friends and have made so many new ones that it’ll never feel like you’re going back to being alone, again. You now know you will be okay if you are to have your heart broken again because it’ll just mean one step closer to finding what is truly meant for you and your future. You welcome that, too. 

You spoke up and stopped caring about what people thought of you. Correction: you realized no one is thinking that deeply about every little thing you do except for yourself because we all understand we are human and we are allowed to not be perfect. You also realize it’s not your job to please everyone. You know there are people who don’t like you, who will despise the things you do or say, and that is all fine because you know the people in your life whom you do respect and care about know who you really are—they see all of you and you are still important to them. And you also know that you can’t help anyone who doesn't wish to help themselves. That is also not your job. Your not helping does not define your value as a friend nor your worth as a good person. 

You’re calling yourself a writer, a poet, a photographer, and a community gatherer now. You’re a mental health, eco-conscious, feminist, and social justice advocate—all without reluctance or hesitation. You let those be known and you make sure people know these are things you care about. You leaned into the power of manifestations and now you’re doing the damn thing. You’re telling yourself you can get what you want because you’ve seen the kind of magic you’re capable of when you step into your power. Nothing was ever out of your reach, it was only because you stood in your own way.

You’re learning to trust your gut again, after learning how much you’ve been gaslit and was so afraid to let your feelings make any more bad decisions. Now you’re letting the good moments speak for themselves and not worry about the future because uncertainty can be an invisible guide, not an intentional roadblock. And you now know that a result of gaslighting is distrusting your own feelings and overcompensating by overthinking and overanalyzing everything because you've shut out your feelings for so long and thinking was the only way to maintain control. Not anymore. You’re listening now. You’re feeling what you want to feel without being tied to them because you’re allowed to change your feelings the same way you are learning that you’re allowed to change your mind. These are all part of being the ever-evolving human that you are, guided by the north star of always becoming better. 

You welcome discomfort and challenges now. You welcome the hard stuff and the distasteful confrontations because you know the other side will be worth it. You know there is an Other side to look forward to. Remember when you used to question if anything will have an end? Remember when you were afraid there wasn’t going to be a light at the end of your dark tunnels? Now you expect it but even more so, now you are more enthused for the journey through the tunnel than the actual result because it means you get to untangle your insecurities and rework them anew. Like that time you had a very heated debate with a close friend and there was a snippet of a moment when you thought you two would never align on something you were so passionate about. Except the strong foundation of your friendship held its ground, and you both worked through the discomfort to truly hear one another out and understand the root of each other’s perspectives. Remember: it is never a “me vs. you” thing. It will always be a “me and you vs. the problem” thing. And on the other side of discomfort is great change because you’ve been through enough pain to know that it is always just uncomfortable healing. 

You are no longer expecting to rewrite or change the past. You are accepting that the past is the past but you are using it to guide you to a better future. You can’t change your mom and you can’t forgive her for the past, but you are allowed to work on having a better relationship with her right now without dismissing how she treated you or erasing the trauma. In fact, you learned that trauma isn’t linear. Like how three years after your last relationship and you suddenly had this tremendous epiphany that the whole experience was actually traumatic and it’s completely okay to call it that (“traumatic”), and still be working through it. It doesn’t negate the positive memories but it also doesn’t mean trauma doesn’t exist even in the most subtle ways. Trauma will always come up. It is in your body and that’s okay because with every self-evolution, you are seeing it as a marker for how far you’ve come and how much better you’ll address them each time around. Fucking bring it, bitch. Yeah, trauma is my bitch now.  

This year, you fell so madly in love with yourself. Remember when you didn’t? Remember when you had to write down at least one thing you loved about yourself every night so you didn’t lose yourself to self-harm and deprecation? Now you go to bed consumed with so much love and care for yourself without a single regret because you know whatever mistake you made is a step forward to learning yourself better. 

You’ve made vulnerability your superpower. Like how that one girl told you when she asked you for advice and said she admired how you made vulnerability an act of bravery and self-love. You’ve turned your past self’s pain into lessons on self-love and taught the world what healing looks like. You showed others what speaking up about vulnerability can do not only for yourself but how it’s connected you with so many people who are going through the same internal struggles but don’t know how to articulate or confront them. And this year, you’ve used it as a source of strength, not a body of shame. In fact, it has also been a marker for drawn boundaries because as soon as someone is repulsed by your vocal vulnerability, you know it is someone who is not worth sharing your genuine energy with, and maybe it’s time to reevaluate that relationship. Vulnerability is your brand, and will always be. This has been your calling all along.

Speaking of boundaries—yes, you finally put them up now. You stopped shaming yourself and blaming yourself for things that really aren’t in your control. You are allowed to put up boundaries if it means preserving the integrity of your sanity and wellbeing. Your mental wellbeing is not at anyone else’s disposal. It is a line of respect that you’ve drawn for others to see and acknowledge and value. You’ve let people in for so long and sometimes, at the expense of your own mental and emotional energy, because you used to believe that was where worth came from--giving away the most treasured parts of yourself. But creating boundaries has given you a greater sense of self and how you choose to move through the world while protecting yourself. It has also strengthened your relationships because when others see how you respect yourself, they follow suit. All this time you were afraid it would diminish friendships when in fact, it has only deepened them.

You understand expectations, but not the ones that always left you disappointed because they were too unrealistic. No, you understand expectations as a form of central alignment with those around you. There is no more playing of games to tiptoe around what you think you want from others while guessing what others perceive of you. You now understand the power of communicating them out loud and not feel blame for when two people may have misunderstood what was never officially established. There is now a new spark of energy when you’ve finally dissected and discussed this with the people closest to you. What a beauty to openly share what we see in each other and how we choose to grow with and for each other, without the false pretenses of assumed expectations. 

You know you can’t help everyone but you are helping some, and that was the goal after all. You told your therapist, “I want to help others. I want to better the world.” And here you are bettering it in small waves that ultimately amount to an ocean of movements. That mental health panel. That DIY low-waste alternatives workshop. That weekly writing workshop. That MIND/MADDER tee where profits were donated to mental health initiatives. That curated list of social justice organizations and initiatives. That thorough cheat sheet for NJ primary elections. That Diversity & Inclusion panel at work. That podcast episode you were featured in where you spoke about boundaries. You are doing it, babe. Don’t ever belittle yourself into thinking you’re not doing enough or not a good person. 

You allow yourself to belong in places now. You’ve recognized your imposter syndrome and worked that out, and now you know that you are exactly where you need to be. You’ve stopped wanting to have a single place of belonging but instead, understand that you are a person who finds family in all. You’ve stopped chasing the idea of a family to make up for the dysfunctional one (that you have grown to accept and love and work on bettering) but instead, have built yourself an unconventional idea of one where family is not a noun but a verb, and you carry that within you everywhere you go. Home is a verb, too. As is love. So you will never have to worry about never finding love because it is not to be sought after, rather one that is carried within you, everywhere and throughout.

So my goal for us this year is that I will live up to all of this, I will continue to live out all of this. For all my past selves and for the future selves whom I’m excited to meet. It’s going to be pretty hard to top this past year, to be honest. It’s been one amazing ride but if there’s anything we’ve learned, it’s that there is always more and better to come. It doesn’t have to end here, nor does it have to feel like this is the height of your best self. You’ve learned that you can get the life you’ve always wanted and much, much more. Look at how much the world opened up as soon as you stepped inside yourself and unlearned to relearn. Look at how much more space we can fill up when we feel everything through and then let them go so we can feel other things, too. 

There is proof of your bright, illuminating energy. The unbridled strength of the kind of energy that remains resilient held high by the support of those who love you. It never felt this firm and confident before, like steel unwavering in the forceful winds. You have become a mountain of yourself, piled tall and powerful atop the waters that move through your body like memories caught in the waves of your ever-glowing life. Welcome to 28—the year of your best efforts for the person you are, and nothing more expected.