I'm Not Making Resolutions, I'm Creating Intentions
Aritzia top via Poshmark // Dickies utility pants // Mejuri necklaces
Photography by Cat Lee
For the past couple of years, I’d find a special comfort in partaking in yearly reflections, as everyone usually does. It’s a great way to step back and sit in the last moments of a concluding year just a while longer to give ourselves breathing room to reflect on how far we’ve come, while preparing ourselves for the new year to begin and welcome exciting opportunities to come our way. I would share this timely sentiment with my friends, saying things like, “We’re ready for this year. 2020 is our year, I can feel it. We’re going to conquer it and have the best year yet.” There is something so equally peaceful and empowering in embracing such predictions, maybe in an effort to feel ready and excited for new beginnings or maybe to manifest the future we want, but regardless, we all do it because it gives us some sense of control over something we otherwise can’t: time.
Suddenly, this year, I feel like the reflections and resolutions have felt overwhelming and forced. Like we’re doing it because it’s been so ingrained and habitual and absolute. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for reflecting and sentimentalizing a well-deserved year of getting through it all. I mean, getting through a day is already exhaustive enough and now we’ve done it 365 times!! We forget to give ourselves the credit for even making it as far as we have and when we see how others celebrate and proudly speak of their yearly achievements, we can’t help but also feel empowered to recognize our own successes, too. But the problem doesn’t lie in the reasoning so much so as it does in the concept of idolizing a shortstop highlight reel—only focusing in on the “big” moments that others would approve of on this specific moment in time, the same time every year, when in retrospect, shouldn’t this be a daily practice to always keep in mind?
I like to think I’m not defining my growth by credible successes but instead, seeing them as building bricks and imperfect work towards a healthy, long-lasting mindset for slow progression. I say slow because this year was a huge learning curve in understanding patience and her silent, inner workings I’ve overlooked and discredited. I’ve found that recognizing progression as a slow and steady, thickened substance of growth, relieves me of any pressure to get things done by a certain time but rather allows me to appreciate the nuanced mechanics of my great evolution. And that evolution is not measured by a year, a decade, or any social construct.
Every year, I feel pressured to mirror these yearly reflections and new year resolutions because it feels right and it feels constructive. But whenever I sit down and even begin to write something, I feel overwhelmed and pressured to make sure I get them all, not to forget the important things because if I miss anything that mattered then I’ll lose out on living towards it. And I’m not getting any younger so I have to do all these things as soon as possible, right?!?! The problem is, I am, we are, multidimensional people. There is no predicting what our lives should look like, what we should prepare for, and how we should direct our paths. What we can do is live intentionally and purposefully, and view our lives as ongoing questions to not exactly answer but to ponder continuously and curiously as we develop a deeper sense of self. If we believe our lives to be this fluid, amorphous presence, open to always learning, always building, and always teaching us to ourselves, then it’s not resolutions we’re not looking for. It’s purpose. It’s alignment. It’s fulfillment. And it’s allowing the promise of them all.
“You don't change the world by simply looking at it. You change the world by the way you choose to live in it”
I say all of this because I, too, am reminding myself that successes and goals are not the things that thrive me. They are the added value and the guiding signs for when I’m lost. But what really energizes me are the ways I seek gain perspectives in my every day. What are the changes that have and still are challenging me to become a better person? The invisible and intangible ones, the ones no one talks about. The ones unmarked and unbeknownst to external validation. Because these are the secret successes that celebrate me, and only for me.
This year, I am investing in slow, thickening, golden honey growth. Not something that can be announced at the end of the year, but rather frequent mental check-ins with my healthier, self-nourishing mind. By no means, however, are any of these perfect or near complete because I will still have to remind myself of these steely mindsets at any given moment of weakness or vulnerability, but that is part of what it means to allow myself to be human and humanly fluid. That is the promise I can resolutely make for myself. And these guiding truths have become somewhat like my own doctrine of a Better Mai to help navigate whenever I begin to feel my toxic self take over. I’m proud to say that these are ongoing intentions I’ve found in 2019 that I’ll continue to take with me and progress in 2020. They’re active intentions but not definitive resolutions because these are ever-growing and constantly evolving and we shouldn’t have to reduce ourselves to absolutes:
Advocating for myself and truly believing in my work, my passions, without hesitation or fear of judgement. No one knows you better than you know yourself so let the world know who you are and what you deserve.
Not absorbing others’ burdens as my own but not because I don’t care but because I do not need to feel this great responsibility for what is going on in other people’s lives. Caring doesn’t mean fixing but sometimes, I’m learning, it’s gifting my time and attention to listen intently that has the power to help heal.
Leaning further and deeper into the things that energize me, and letting go of things I’ve kept for the sake of sentimentality. I think about how much we hold onto people and things that once made us happy at a certain time in our lives, and we feel this deep obligation to sustain them because if not, it’ll mean we’re unappreciative or ungrateful. But I’m realizing that there is such a thing as honoring them for what they were at the time we were who we were and sometimes, our present self is giving life to it more than we have the capacity for. Not everything is meant to stay forever, we are not the same person we once were, and we can still hold a special place for them in our hearts.
Trusting and focusing on doing good on my own end of things and not feeling like I need to be in control of how others think or feel. The right energy will respond as long as I do my best with what I have and can. I can focus on and cultivate my half of relationships and not worry about whether the other person is fulfilling their end or if I need to overcompensate so we can keep the relationship well-balanced and existing. I used to think by giving more of myself, it meant I was showing how much I cared and loved that person but I’m realizing that if you use exert that same energy in growing and nourishing your part, then that love speaks for itself. Otherwise, it’s really a matter of whether that relationship is even worth maintaining.
Healing is not punishing my wounds and suffering for my past in order to be rewarded good things. Healing is forgiveness of self, of others, of how things are just how they are. And love is not without its counterpart: pain. By allowing both the good and the bad to be deepened personal lessons and learnings for myself, I am accepting the full spectrum of what it means to be human.
Opening up and sharing my vulnerabilities out loud does not mean I’m crazy. With strangers, close friends, and even my family. I’ve learned that only good things have come from opening up genuinely and honestly, and the key takeaway from doing so is not thinking I’m crazy for what goes on in my head. If the other person cannot respond with empathy and kindness then that is a reflection of who they are, not who I am.
Say it with conviction—proudly and confidently. I don’t have to be 100% sure or right because I can always take it back or recover from it, but the achievement is in the fact that I was confident enough to speak up. Which brings me to my next point...
WWSD (What Would She Do?!) I’ve been lucky—actually, extremely blessed—with meeting and creating deep-meaning friendships with women who are always inspiring and teaching me things that matter in my life. These conversations and kinships have taught me more of myself and who I want to become, and for that, I look to them as guidance for further alignment. WWSD is not copying or being exactly like them, it’s recognizing the qualities I’m aspiring towards and gaining inspiration.
Jealousy is my own insecurities viewing one’s life with the most extreme manifestations of my deepest desires. It’s easy to think jealousy is so ugly that we must dispel any hint of the feeling but I’m learning how jealousy is actually an acute awareness of my desires. It is possible to truly relish in another’s successes and victories without feeling like it’s a threat or remission of our own, but rather a new lens of self-awareness and a glimpse of new personal goals.
Taking up space is not a threat to someone else’s ability to do so, too. I used to shrink myself for others because I didn’t want to overstep boundaries or wanted to give someone else the opportunity to step up because I will have my chances later on. But why wait until that “perfect moment” to advocate for myself? Why wait for the world to open up for me when it’s already open for us all to step into? Because...
Believe in the abundance mentality. There is enough love, time, space, success, joy etc. for everyone. One’s success is not one less opportunity for you to have yours. And this is what I’m hoping to practice and own everyday, especially the more I immerse myself further into the creative space.
Unfollowing the toxicities and triggers, and unsubscribing from unnecessary spam. Yes, this is kind of an analogy to this habit I’ve taken on within the past year or finally unsubscribing for emails that I used to just mindlessly delete without understanding why I was even subscribed to it to begin with. And yes, it is a metaphor for stalk my negative reactions and track where it’s coming from in order to shift towards a healthier mindset.
Talk about it. Because silence is very much a silent killer. At least that’s how I feel whenever I silence myself from sharing the things I really care about or things that really bother me. It’s the rumination of imagined things that eat away at our sanities. But I’m beginning to talk about things out loud with my circles and shedding the anticipated shame I worry about so much. Things like finances, insecurities, common adult struggles, open up opportunities to be better support for each other so we don’t feel so alone in our journeys.
Power is not perfection but is whatever I choose to step into and bring into the light. I’ve found moments where I shutter into silence because I feel like I haven’t fully stepped into my truest power. I know that I’m working towards it and that my “best self” has yet to reveal herself, but that feeling of not-there-yet has left me reluctant and hiding even my present self. My power doesn’t lie in my ability to present my perfect self, but rather my capability in owning my own shit and living it out loud. Soooooo...
In order to get things done, just do. Simple as that. You can’t achieve anything without starting something.
Turning my “sorry, I’m like this” to “thank you for listening.” So much of my time and energy have been exhausted on worrying how I will be perceived or wrongly judged, as if it’s my own fault for having burdens we all feel. So, I’m going to feel all the feelings and stop apologizing for being as human and emotionally fluid as we all inevitably experience. Instead, I’m thanking those who choose to listen and share.
“Hi, do you have the mental capacity to listen to me vent/rant at the moment?” These are the kinds of people I’ve built deep relationships with over the course of the year and these are the friends that have taught me that this candidness language is okay and very much allowed. By doing so, we are actively acknowledging and respecting how much we are going through and that sometimes we can’t always be there for each other when needed. But that doesn’t mean we won’t or we can’t. It simply means let’s put a pin in this for later when I can give you my full attention. It’s become my ultimate love language to learn about both myself and those I care deeply about.
Ask questions and stay learning. This goes hand in hand with the note above. Of all the fulfilling moments and conversations I’ve had, this has always been a common takeaway. I’ve learned that asking questions and being genuinely curious of another person, another interest, of opposing thoughts even, does not mean I’ve let my guard down or am unsure of who I am. In fact, it means I’m letting the world know that I’m here, I’m listening, I’m learning—and that’s living with intention.
A physically, healthy gut is also a mentally, healthy gut feeling. This is my way of saying how I’ve been on this holistic nutrition journey to discover my body, not just physically and in relation to my mind, but also everything she holds inside to sustain my being. Eating, exercising, understanding the act of healthy nourishment to nurture a positive mindset and whole energy have become such an exciting new adventure for me to explore the earthly depths of my templed body.
Seek purposefulness through intentionality, and not seeking originality to achieve perfection. I’ve struggled a lot with finding my purpose and identifying what value I hold to others. I would define my contributions to the world by how different and original I can be, as though that is the only way to “make it.” But someone told me that there is no one way to help others and better our world, there cannot just be one person that does it when this work is meant for us all to spread the good word and mission.
PATIENCE. I think this speaks for itself but still deserves constant reminding. I am always struggling with this imminent idea of a fleeting timeline, and if I don’t get certain things done by a certain time then I am wasting away. But I always say, things are meant for you when you are ready for them. But when you experience feelings for impatience, it is because you are aware of how much you want and are looking forward to for yourself.
Our lives are like reworked drafts of our own novels. Each chapter is a narrative buildup that culminates to an ultimate unveiling of ourselves without realizing how much we’ve been immersed in all the encompassing details that frame our lives and shape who we are, laying in the margins of our truths. And I like to think each chapter is summarized in how we reflect on each passing year but we can never fully account for all that’s happened to us with just a few wordy reflections and quick scribbles of the noticeable highlights. So I challenge you to take note of how frequently you choose to check in with yourself, how often you’ll teach yourself of the lessons you’ve gained, and what matters most to you with each small moment or encounter or conversation. I challenge you not to wait until 2021 to remind yourself of your growth and your worth, but to practice personal intention in the many pockets of still and promising time every day.
This isn’t just your year to conquer, this is your life.
