This Too Shall Not Pass

I originally had this written out a while ago, obviously, before this COVID-19 mayhem ensued. And considering the topic I’m writing about, it could not have been a more convenient little accident. Amidst this drastic shift in a globally-impacted moment in our history, it seems as though we’re all searching for an answer or a reason to this madness. It’s human nature to seek for reasoning and justification, if not some brief understanding of what the fuck is happening. Uncertainty is not quite in our blood to swallow lightly or absorb seamlessly; it’s actually the basis for sheer panic and anxiety, and suddenly, we are all asked to address this as one, collectively and simultaneously. Though, I will write this piece as it was meant to be written when I pondered these thoughts going through a particularly tough time in my personal life, a lot of these thoughts conveniently translates to our current state of affairs.

"Really, though, it is the episodic chronicle of a mind in passionate struggle with the world and itself." - Kristin Lin

I think about the phrase, "This too shall pass," and how it's well-intentioned by nature but slightly flawed in practical terms. We are expected to digest this idea that hardships are inevitable, that difficult times will come but they will also go, and the underlying consolation of it all, to help us get through it, is that there is some compelling light at the end of the tunnel drawing us forth to persevere through. It’s something meant to be so pure and fortuitous, something to look forward to yet still attainable enough by our own determination and grit as the bright, beaming light stretches out towards us. All we have to do is reach out our hand, pull our might through; the rest is irrelevant.

Except this scenario is all too deja vu. We’ve seen this exact situation one too many times, and it seems as though no matter how many obstacles come our way, the process is the same. The event itself may be different each time but those feelings—of desperate escape, the onrush of down-spiraling thoughts and the anxiety of more anxieties, the defeating blows that never seem to give us a goddamn break—become all too familiar every time and we think to ourselves, haven’t I done this before? Why am I in this exact position once again? Am I just in a never-ending cycle of the same 5 poor circumstances? These questions are so readily fired up in times like these and I don’t know about you but I’m tired. 

I began thinking about these thoughts and how much they feel like a cave I retreat to, especially when I am simply exhausted by the impounding circumstance of distress and defeat. I think about how I would rely on these thoughts as an embracing comfort, merely for the fact that they’re immediate and known. And if there’s one thing we all need in times of uncertainty and anguish, it’s a sense of familiarity to grasp onto and level us back to normalcy.

Except normalcy doesn’t always mean stability nor does it mean healthy. Normalcy is just a standard we’ve told ourselves of all we know when it’s all we’ve grown up on. We are naturally reaching out to the closest hand as a source of comfort but remember, flames can feel like a warm embrace when we’re desperate for the light. I realized that my instinct to retreat to these thoughts of self-loathing and quarreling pity were my only sources of understanding and reasoning, but they were also the source of my burning anxieties. It dawned on me that it’s not the occurrences themselves that caused these burdening thoughts and feelings because yes, while these events will run their natural course as with all things in life that come and go, it is in fact, all the internal strifes attached that remain longer, still simmering in the pits of our stomach and casting shadows in our hearts. This is what leaves us feeling frequently tormented; we breed this pain onto ourselves because we think it is normal. But it’s exhausting, if anything, to find ourselves confronting this troubling intersection over and over again to a level of normalized apathy because we think, what’s the point?

“But remember, flames can feel like a warm embrace when we’re desperate for the light.”

I’m still asking myself this question and while the answer isn’t as clear, I will offer my own understanding through my own self-healing. That is, maybe it’s not that these agonizing circumstances keep coming back into our lives by virtue of poor decisions or overdue karma, but maybe it’s our own thoughts that are pulling us back to the same vantage point every time we encounter these distressing times. Maybe it’s not telling ourselves that this too shall pass—because we know that will always be constant and inevitable—but rather, how will I choose to confront these thoughts now? How will I respond to the situation this time?

Dickies jumpsuit // Aqua heels

Photography by Cat Lee

It’s so easy and familiar to sink into a black hole of self-defeat and wallow in how I allowed this to happen again, how my life will continue to be this unfortunate series of events and I’m just going to have to deal with it like a stubborn fruit fly that will never really go away. Even worse, it’s easy to blame myself for being the common thread otherwise expending energy to seek answers means extending the pain, too. But what I'm beginning to realize is that nothing is quite one-and-done, nothing will completely escape our lives because we wouldn't be who we are if we didn't attract the certain things we do—the good and bad—no matter how awfully familiar. We understand ourselves through our current surroundings, the opportunities presented, and the energies shared. Their natural gravitation towards us is perhaps a reminder that we are consistently ourselves. That’s not to say we’ll never change or that we are permanently confined by one kind of life, but rather, we are the world we embody through the things we choose to surround ourselves by. Some things are meant to be constants in our lives because we are creatures of habit and that’s how we see ourselves reflected through them by the actions we take, even the recurring bad ones. You see, it’s part of unconscious patterning weaved into our lives and when we become more aware of these patterns folding and unfolding like the lapping of waves, we begin to practice intentional consciousness and understanding of how we’ve been dictated by the deceiving sense of familiarity. As we lean further into resolving these patterns, we’ll see that just as much as these bad things are happening to us, there is also always a good that has and always will balance them out, and it’s been proven in our pasts, too. The truth is, the cold hard matter-of-fact is, we are inevitably shaped by all the things that happen to us and until we create some pivotal and meaningful change in our lives, these things are bound to come back again. Confronting what once has been considered normal for most of our lives is now a matter of enabling ourselves to firmly question and acknowledge the invisible forces that have been mindlessly maneuvering our direction. It isn’t easy work and it’s supposed to be. It will be fatiguing and demanding work but it will also be beautiful and healing and powerful. It will be yours to own and conquer and live out for a better you. 

“I'm beginning to realize is that nothing is quite one-and-done, nothing will completely escape our lives because we wouldn't be who we are if we didn't attract the certain things we do—the good and bad—no matter how awfully familiar.”

A while ago, I had this moment of epiphany where I came to this realization that there were patterns that planted themselves throughout my life. It made me feel trapped and unsalable like all these patterns will remain because it is permanently engraved into my fate, I just have to learn to accept and cope on my own. Except that isn’t self-love at all, that is settling and I sure as hell did not come as far as I have to just settle anymore, even with myself. See the important thing for me to remember is that just because these circumstances come back doesn't mean I haven't gotten better. Their reoccurrences do not speak to my lack of growth because the real work lies in the way I choose to address them each time they do. What I did notice change though, despite the situations remaining the same, are my perspective and energy towards the situation. From immediately retreating to feelings of self-defeat and depreciation to finally responding with ease and sensible detachment—no longer blaming myself for the things I cannot control—has become a worthy milestone of self-improvement and healing. Suddenly, my energy is revitalized and not drained by the events that were never intended to be personal attacks on my life. Forgiving myself comes more naturally now and living is about being intentional and about learning, without it being a series of character tests.

I promise you, it is you who has grown to address these circumstances differently and healthier each time, not the amount of times an event has re-entered our lives. Because that is your true mark of progress when you can see how far you've come through the ways you choose to react. And maybe that is the deep-level healing you were meant to find after all—the resolute answers we thought would appear in obvious forms and happenstances but have been within us all along, waiting to be discovered. It may not always pass, they may come back once more or many times over, but the true work is through your steely readiness, each time better than the last, so I hope you enjoy this bountiful, abundant journey because you are only beginning to understand the best parts of yourself.

“You don't change the world by simply looking at it. You change the world by the way you choose to live in it.” - The Aeronauts

I think applying this idea to the current COVID-19 situation allows us to think beyond just making it through and believing that this will all pass. We are all holding tightly to an imagined near future when this particular moment in time will be nothing more than a phase and we can return to our normal selves again. But the magic in taking back the control and narrative from this unfortunate time is to understand that this event has been similar to so many historic events in our past, whether directly in our lives or somewhere else in the world, and we are now being asked to confront this together, strategically and uniformly. We will not allow this to take the best of us and perhaps we can see this as a healing opportunity for the world as a whole. Maybe this is how we reshape the world for the better, through our own actions and individual power